Random Crap
by TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter
Summary: The title says it all. Three-shot.
1. Ran

**Hi. Right now I should be updating my other stories, but I have had WAAAAAAY too much sugar recently, so I can't bring myself to write anything even moderately sane. _This _is what happens when people let me near sugar. **

**This story'll be a three-shot, and it's rated K Plus for crude humor, violence, and some mild language. **

The screen is black. The screen is blue. Chris hates you. You sucker you!

Trent came spiraling through the blueness, yelling out 'nine' nine times per one ninth of a second. Otherwise known as one nine every eighty-ninth of a second. Then he was in a basement, listening to Harold's garage band. Or more accurately, basement band. Harold was the only band member, because nobody likes Harold. There was no audience, because nobody likes Harold. In fact, everyone within a two-hundred mile radius had moved away, because nobody likes Harold.

The nerd was currently air-guitaring a non-sensical cover of "Crazy Train." GOOOOIN' OOOOOFFF THHHHHEEEEE RRRRRAAAAAIIIILLLLSSSSS OOOOOON AAAAAA CCCRRRRRAAAAZZZZY TTTTTTRRRRA- - -"

Right as Harold reached the word train, Thomas the Tank Engine crashed through the wall and obliterated him. Blood and guts flew everywhere, much to Trent's delight. "I think I can kill Harold, I think I can kill Harold, I think I can kill Harold, hell, I FRICKIN' KNOW I CAN!" yelled Thomas.

Cody leaned out the engine window and called "All aboard!" Trent got on and beat up Cody nine times for not having nine trains. Then he tried to beat Thomas up, but his fists exploded on the metal.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in Canada, Heather was dancing to music from the 1920s with Alejandro. Being as evil as always, Alejandro tripped her as he swirled her around. Somehow, she fell through the floor and into the level beneath, where Dakota was in the middle of getting changed.

The famous teen shrieked and quickly covered herself up as best she could. But Heather grabbed her hands and kept trying to dance to the jazz tunes. Dakota punched her in the face so hard she immediately got a concussion and died.

To make sure there were no witnesses to the murder, Dakota trapped Alejandro in a box and taped it up. She then walked to the post office, still nude, and shipped him off to Greenland. In Greenland, a polar bear adopted him and force-fed him tea for the rest of his life.

Back in Canada, Mr. Coconut was getting a cloud tan from a cloud. Then Owen appeared. Fearing he would be subjected to yet another crushing bear hug, the fruit rolled away as fast as he could. Thankfully, the fat boy collapsed after walking two steps due to weighing about infinity plus one pounds.

The coconut rolled right to the feet of Katie. She'd taken up a job us a dog catcher, but was fired because she couldn't tell the difference between dogs and humans. That had led to some uncomfortable situations.

So Katie had become a fruit catcher. She netted Mr. Coconut and took him to the Hatchet's Stray Fruit Shelter. There was all sorts of fruit in the cages there, including Cameron, who somehow counted as a fruit because his brain was shaped like a banana.

The place was owned by none other than Chef. One day he took out a pineapple and chopped it into tiny bits. Then he took a papaya and chopped it into tiny bits. Then he took Cameron and chopped him into tiny bits. Mr. Coconut was next, but he inexplicably chopped Chef into tiny bits and escaped. How this was accomplished has yet to be discovered.

Several hundred miles away, Ezekiel was stalking Bridgette. He'd read a Bridgezekiel fic online and wanted to see if it was prophetic. Bridgette noticed him hiding in a bush, ran to him, embraced him, and kissed him full on the lips.

"Zeke! I love you!"

"Really?"

"Hell no!" She slapped him. "I just wanted to see your reaction."

"Really?"

She picked him up and threw him through the air. He broke through some poor person's roof. That person was Scott. "What are you doing in my house, Ezekiel?" he growled.

"Decorating it for Halloween!" Zeke grabbed a coffin, sealed Scott in it, dug a hole in the carpet, and buried the coffin in it. "All done! Just needs one more little touch." The psycho homeschooler took a sledgehammer and smacked it repeatedly. "There!"

**Are you insane yet? No? Keep trying. I'll update when I feel like it or when I'm on sugar-high again, whichever comes last. **


	2. Dom

**I just had a sugary smoothie to get my insanity juices flowing again. This chapter is more random than the first, and likely funnier too!**

**Warning: The third brief story here deals with suicide, which is always bad in any way, shape, or form. So, do not try this at home. **

"Crap. Crap crap. Crappity crap crap crap," was what Mike said one fine morning. Why? Because that was his favorite word. "Crap. Crappitty crapalicious crapaholic crap." He got out of bed and headed downstairs to have breakfast. In other words, a huge glob of mustard on a plate.

Once this was accomplished, he walked outside and pulled out _Excalibur_, King Arthur's sword. How did he get it? I don't know, ask him yourself. Geez, what am I, some kind of writer? Oh yeah...

He dove into a nearby lake and swam to the bottom, still gripping the sword tightly. Perched on a rock at the bottom of the lake was Fang. He sprang at Mike, and Mike decapitated him. Job well done.

Then Mike jumped out of the water and started partying by dancing to the music in his head. Random passerby took one look at him and rushed home to lock their doors, hide in a cobwebbed corner, and cry for the next few decades. In some cases, centuries.

Elsewhere, Staci was teaching a history class. She had only two students. One was Lindsay, the other Duncan. "Yah, so my great-uncle Suckatude invented flying cars, and that's why teenagers are moody."

Lindsay raised her hand. "I forget, Stephanie. What does this have to do with makeup again?"

"Absolutely nothing, you retarded dumb blonde with boobs bigger than your brain," replied Staci. "And guess what? MY ANCESTORS FRICKIN' INVENTED YOU! LISTEN TO ME AND OBEY MY EVERY COMMAND! I OWN YOU!"

"Uhm," asked Duncan, "can we get on with class? I was hoping for a F minus this year, but it looks like I'll be getting a Z now."

"YOUR FACE IS A Z!" yelled Staci.

"Chill."

"Kill!"

Staci grabbed a grenade launcher out of nowhere and chased Duncan around the room with it, blowing up the chalkboard, desk, computer, chair, and Lindsay in the process. Eventually she cornered Duncan, but then Dawn walked in through the door.

"Staci? Are your murdering students again? How many times do I have to tell you?! That's against our policy!"

"I'm sorry," said Staci. While she wasn't paying attention, Duncan grabbed the grenade launcher and blasted her.

"That's detention for you, young man!" exclaimed Dawn.

Somewhere else, Geoff was standing on the edge of a skyscraper, tempted to take one more step and plummet to his doom. Why? There hadn't been any parties in the last five minutes. Life had become terrible.

Just as he was steeling himself for the fall, Eva walked up behind him. "What are you doing?!" she screamed at Geoff.

"I-I'm about to jump."

"Oh."

"You're going to try and stop me, right? To tell me not to do it?" Geoff sounded almost hopeful.

"Nope." She pushed him off. "That's better."

In a top-secret laboratory down in the U.S.A., Noah had invented a time machine. And, unlike Staci's ancestors, he'd actually invented it. Justin and Izzy were to be his test subjects.

"Is there any risk of my drop-dead handsomeness suffering negative effects from time travel?" asked Justin.

"No," lied Noah. "Now shut up and get in the van."

"You mean the time machine."

"Right. Sorry. That's the line I generally say to any little kids I see. You know, along with 'Want some candy?' and 'I've got a gun'."

Afraid Noah would try to kidnap them too, Justin and Izzy quickly boarded the time machine. "Woo, Izzy loves time travel! Almost as much as Izzy likes catfights. Rar!"

The time machine ended up in the Cretaceous Period. Justin stepped outside and was immediately eaten by a dinosaur. Izzy climbed onto its back and spent the rest of her days as Izzy the Dino Rider.

Then, Brick was inspired by Chris to start his own reality show: "Total Drama Spin-off: A lack-luster show far inferior to its predecessor that relies on nostalgia and former glory to still air during Primetime."

It started off with three contestants: Beth, Sadie, and The Escaped Psycho Killer With a Chainsaw and a Hook. Unfortunately, The Escaped Psycho Killer With a Chainsaw and a Hook killed Beth, Sadie, and Brick on the first day. Needless to say, the show was cancelled.

**The final chapter should be up tomorrow, and it'll be in all likelihood the most insane thing you have ever read! And, feel free to leave a review XD. **


	3. Crap!

**The final bit of insanity is up, featuring all the characters who we have yet to see. **

DJ was the ringmaster of a circus. It was a very small circus, more of a side-show, really. The only attractions were Larry, the giant venus fly trap, and Sasquatchwanakwa, the cheap Yeti knock-off. What could they do? Er, not much. Just stand there and look pretty.

The most interesting thing that ever happened is when the two got into a fight over who was better: Mozart or Charlie Brown. The Sasquatch threw punch after punch, but Larry simply swallowed him whole. However, the extra weight made him top-heavy, and he fell over and crushed DJ.

The animal lover was proud to have been killed by a animal. Well, a plant. Actually, a mutant plant. No, a mutant morbidly obese plant. Okay, he was killed by something. That's better.

Lightning and Jo had been on a romantic cruise together when the ship hit a glacier and started sinking. That's right, I said glacier. Not iceberg, glacier. See, their ship traveled on land for some reason. It was most likely due to the fact that B was the captain. Genius? Yes. Silent type? Definitely. Clever? Without a doubt. Seaman? Hell no.

The aforementioned couple stood at the tip of the prow as the boat tilted up. They hugged each other tight. "Kiss me, Lightning!" yelled Jo.

"Sha-I'll sha-never sha-let sha-go!" yelled Lightning, leaning in for the kiss.

"But I will!" yelled the jockette. She dropped him, and the jock fell down the deck, mouth still puckered. He ended up kissing the glacier and his lips got stuck to it. Jo laughed so hard and loud she started an avalanche and was buried.

Meanwhile, Blaineley was angry at Total Drama, and all the people on it. So, she decided to kill them. Her first stop was Tyler. "Any last words?" she asked as she approached the sportee with a knife.

"Don't kill me! I have incredible talent! Watch how far I can throw a football!" His throw went half a foot, but landed on a trampoline and bounced up and away. Car alarms and cat screeches were heard from far off in the distance. Tyler grinned sheepishly, and Blaineley finished what she had come there to do.

Next on her list was Gwen. But when she approached the goth, instead of screaming or begging for her life, all Gwen did was point and say "Look out behind you."

"Hah, you think I'm gonna fall for that? No one's that- - -unh." Tyler's football had traveled all the way around the world twice and come back. It hit Blaineley in the head and killed her.

Somewhere else in Canada, Sam was demoing a new type of videogame. Basically, someone else was hooked up to wires and placed in virtual reality, where all of their actions were controlled by the gamer.

Anne Maria was that unlucky person, and Sam was taking unfair advantage of that. "Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Okay, now take off your shirt- - -" He was interrupted as a horde of zombies stumbled on-screen. The Sam-controlled virtual Anne Maria was no match for them, and she was quickly overrun and bitten.

Unfortunately, the real Anne Maria turned into a zombie too. She broke free of the wires and proceeded to eat Sam. Delicious. All that fat added a lot of good flavor.

Zoey was walking home through a dark alley, alone and late at night. Suddenly, she heard a clatter behind her and started walking a little faster. Footsteps chased her, and she ran. But the redhead was quickly caught and dragged into an old abandoned building. A rag was stuffed in her mouth, her wrists were hand-cuffed, and bungee cords were wrapped around her lower legs.

It was then that she got a good look at her captor. It was Sierra. "Finally, another former contestant to add to my collection!" She pointed to a wall, where Courtney was displayed in a glass case, also tied up and gagged. Zoey was stuffed in another giant display case.

"I must collect more!" moaned Sierra creepily. "Especially Cody. I NEED TO COLLECT CODY!"

Somewhere much less creepy, Leshawna was listening to some Beatles. They weren't really her style, but she liked this song. The ghetto girl started singing along. "Here comes the sun, da da da da..."

Attracted by her singing, and compelled by the lyrics, the actual sun drifted next to Earth. But then Leshawna started dancing. As soon as it caught sight of that, the sun died of shock.

Totally illogically and against all rules of science, physics, and Ezekielness, the sun was pulled towards the Earth and they collided with a huge explosion. Everyone died, including all the Total Drama cast members who were still alive this far into the story.

What? Happy endings are overrated. Geez. Or, as the late Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V would say, gosh!

THE (unhappy) END

**Believe it or not, this is my first multi-chapter story I've finished. I have seven others in-progress, and most of them have been around for months. As you can guess, I'm too frickin' ambitious. Anyway, thus was fun, and I'd recommend checking out those other stories of mine. They're not as random, but they're just as crazy and funny! **


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